This blog is an attempt to self-heal through storytelling, memoir, recording self-care, and connect with others who are facing the darkest times because of anxiety and depression. the more we share our stories, the more connected we are. this is my attempt at radical vulnerability.

Daddy Lessons.

i.

the intersection of sunset and argyle.

the little red envelope at the top of my phone.

the scrolling and reading over and over.

the chromatics.

the deepest cuts.

the teasing.

the finest of fine lines that we danced across, over, under, along

we walk the same line.

the quiet moments of correspondence.

the quiet.

the quiet.

the quiet.

the quiet.

the stain on silence in the form of hello. how are you.

ii.

the 5 freeway.

the taking you along for the ride.

the ranch. the horses. the dogs.

the agreement on jessy lanza.

the bollywood track.

the first time ever I saw your face.

the hesitation. the maybes. the yeses. the nos.

the yeses. the yes. the only yes. the of course. the absolutely.

the absolute zero choice we had.

the waiting. always the waiting.

the stomach knots.

the striped dress. the red lipstick. the vanilla coconut perfume.

the drive in the car along the upper east side.

the shaking. the sweat beneath my knee caps. the fatigue. the shortness of breath.

the deep breathing.

the cafe. the arrival. the iced coffee. the humidity. the pacing. the window.

iii.

the window. the window.

my heart racing.

the window. seeing your glasses. seeing your beard. oh my heart.

the back of the cafe. the shaking. the back of your hand, also shaking.

the moment.

the only moment we were alone. part one.

the deep burgundy of your pants. the blue and white shirt.

the way we matched. the way we match.

the frick.

the bernini.

the gallery. the gallery in the corner. the gallery where we knew.

the wine. the wine. the wine. the pasta. the wine. the park. the shake shack.

the wine. the kissing. the ubers. the kissing. the wine. the walking.

the wine. the pleasure chest. the kissing.

the uber up to harlem.

the shitty airbnb. the laughing. so much laughing.

the exact single moment i knew, the moment i haven’t told you about. but the moment.

the imprinting. the saying yes. the saying of course. the saying absolutely. the opening. the letting it all in. yes to you. yes to love, yes to smushes.

the ride to penn station. the blue shorts. the green tank top. the short ribs. the mashed potatoes.

the dancing. us dancing. Us dancing.

the worst ride home ever.

the tears. the tears. so many. even now. the trigger. the trigger even happening now. the deep pit in my stomach, knowing what i do. Us. Us. Us. Us will always be ok. always. Us.

waiting.

iv.

really?

yes, really.

seriously? all the way there?

yes.

for a week?

yes. ok?

yes. yes to travel. yes to you. yes to Us. yes to chucking it all. yes to me, yes to We, yes to Us.

yes to selfies. yes to long long long gchat. yes to yes. yes to your lips. yes to you. yes to Us.

the waiting. the waiting. always the waiting.

time will tell.

v.

the worst airplane ride ever! the longest uber ride.

the best beauty face on the other side.

the white tank top, visible even at 6am.

the heat.

the fluffy butts.

the shaking. the nervousness, still.

then the comfort, the familiarity, the kissing. the kissing. the kissing.

the kissing. the bellinis.

the kissing.

the next moment we were alone.

the learning. the softness. the sweetness. the biting. the nibbles.

the smell of soft bacon. the laughing. the smell of potatoes. the kissing. the novelty.

the kissing. the fucking. the staring. the tiny revelations. our giant revolution.

the sage-green of your eyes. the sage green. your eyes.

the fucking. the fucking. the fucking. the fucking. the fucking.

the renoirs. the light. the walking. big hair. the wine. the wine.

the naked dancing. the dressing up for each other. the dressing each other up.

the fucking.

the gimlets. the wine. the bourbon. the fluffy butts. the meowing. the moaning.

the promises made. the promises kept. the things not said.

god only knows.

the fucking.

the being alone together. the kissing. the cuddling. the imprinting. all the cums.

the tricks. the surprises. the turrell. oh, the turrell.

the light, greeting it.

the kissing. so much kissing. always back to the kissing.

the pizza. the wine. the gimlets. the granola. the swirled yogurt.

the promises. the wine. the wine. the fucking. the dancing. the fucking.

the last day.

the fucking.

how many hours?

the granola. the news. the yelling. the sweetness. the kissing.

the shower. the best kissing. the fucking.

the mint smell of your face cream. the crispness of your best white shirt.

the way you look in that tie and jacket.

the way you wink at me.

the kissing. the last uber ride. the silver heels. the wawa. the shade of white my hand turned when you were squeezing it. the kissing. the kissing. the tears. the chime on my phone less than a minute later.

vi.

the waiting. always the waiting.

missing. 

how many days?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Closer to Fine

100,000 Fireflies