This blog is an attempt to self-heal through storytelling, memoir, recording self-care, and connect with others who are facing the darkest times because of anxiety and depression. the more we share our stories, the more connected we are. this is my attempt at radical vulnerability.

Walking Wounded.

This is a list of things I will always remember about you, about us, for you, and for Us. The Us that used to be, and the us that is. For posterity. Because it happened. We happened we truly happened. Because these are things I never want to forget. My favorite. My green-eyed boy, whose pools of limestone are forever marked in my memory like a freshly acquired branding. I didn’t have a choice. They are there forever, blazing hot, forged in lust and love and fire and longing. I will remember looking at you on the plane on our way to the tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic, as you offered me your neck pillow. I have been on so many planes with so many people so many times, and you were the first person who ever offered yours to me. I will remember your beautiful long, delicate, pale fingers, and how they so perfectly glided into a perfect interlock with mine, and how gentle you were the first time you did that. I will remember the little red envelope that appeared on my app that Sunday afternoon three and a half years ago when you wanted “to know if I was real.” How I read your message over and over and over again, and then all of them over and over again, and then drowned myself in our emails from that summer. I will remember the silly games we played to keep ourselves awake in that long line that one morning. I will remember cradling you in your bed that night, the one I know you remember, and I will remember thinking in that moment, “I don’t think it could get any better this.” But I will also remember when it did, you remember which moment, I know you will, the most tender and close moment we would have up to that point. And then even better after that. I will remember our singing and dancing and hotel heavens. I will remember taking the best care of each other, being the most kind and sweet and patient and loving. I will remember the Frick, the Whitney, the Barnes, the Vatican, the Met, and most of all, I will remember the church you took me to with the Bernini, and how it made me tear up, because I was finally seeing it, and you remembered. Most of all, more than anything, I will remember seeing you through the window, on the upper east side that day, that glorious wonderful incredible best day to beat all days that ended in the way that was so perfectly beautifully wonderfully Us. It happened. We were real. i will remember that one time you chose me. And that it was true.

3005.